Today was perhaps the most necessary of classes I've had in awhile.
Drill sergeant teacher. Frazzled and harried students all taking a break from whatever the rest of the world believes they should be doing instead. And all of whom emerged from practice calmer, more centered, and more capable of being present with their loved ones.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: never underestimate the power of a good class to keep the Furies (the shouldacouldawoulda's) at bay.
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
Yoga Teacher Training Journal: December 21
Today I put taking a yoga class on my "Me-List" because I knew I really needed to go--not just to meet my class quota for the week, but because I knew the holidays were coming up and that getting to class would be difficult for a few days--and that really sucks because, if you ask me, at no time is yoga more necessary than at the holidays.
The problem is that my in-laws were visiting NYC and had decided to come to our place in Jersey City for dinner. They were planning to come at 6 and leave around 9. And I found out that morning. And how could I go to work and to yoga if the earliest class I could take would end at 6:30, putting me back in Jersey City, sweaty and unpresentable, at 8??? They would think I was the worst wife ever, right?!
Well, I boasted yesterday of my epiphany... and now here I was wrestling with what I wanted vs. what I perceived to be expected of me. So I again forced myself to let my story go and stick to my original plan. But to placate my inner child, I also wrote into my ME-List that I'd have an enjoyable visit with my in-laws.
The cool thing was that it all worked out--I got to get my practice in, my in-laws got some time alone with their son (and I think all in-laws secretly want that), and then we all had a lovely time once I got home--sweat and all.
Yoga Teacher Training Journal: December 20
I was told during Script Celebration that I need to be more of a bitch when I lead a hot yoga class. Which is hard because I've spent most of my life learning how NOT to be a bitch--one way of understanding my life might be as a series of ever-finer calibrations to the expectations and desires of people around me, trying to be what I perceive they want me to be.
This happened because these calibrations seemed necessary--when I was standing in my power, as a child with no sense that my personality might rub someone the wrong way because I literally loved everyone and was excited by everything so how oh how could someone not feel exactly the same about me, I alienated people, or they had negative reactions that they weren't afraid to publicize, and these reactions hurt me so much that I changed in order to avoid them.
Today, Rhonda was my teacher at Riverflow. And she taught the class like the little general she purports herself to be. And it was amazing--because of two things.
1. She was hard on me. And I did not even take it remotely personally. And somehow that simple fact allowed me to surpass myself in other ways in the class--learning things about poses, feeling certain things about them for the first time. I know it sounds like too much of an epiphany for something so seemingly inconsequential, but it was huge for me--because I'm supposed to be "sensitive."
2. Rhonda said during Script Celebration that we can only become ourselves and stand in our power when we stop caring what people think about us. And in class today, at certain moments, I felt I finally understood that, felt that as truth.
This happened because these calibrations seemed necessary--when I was standing in my power, as a child with no sense that my personality might rub someone the wrong way because I literally loved everyone and was excited by everything so how oh how could someone not feel exactly the same about me, I alienated people, or they had negative reactions that they weren't afraid to publicize, and these reactions hurt me so much that I changed in order to avoid them.
Today, Rhonda was my teacher at Riverflow. And she taught the class like the little general she purports herself to be. And it was amazing--because of two things.
1. She was hard on me. And I did not even take it remotely personally. And somehow that simple fact allowed me to surpass myself in other ways in the class--learning things about poses, feeling certain things about them for the first time. I know it sounds like too much of an epiphany for something so seemingly inconsequential, but it was huge for me--because I'm supposed to be "sensitive."
2. Rhonda said during Script Celebration that we can only become ourselves and stand in our power when we stop caring what people think about us. And in class today, at certain moments, I felt I finally understood that, felt that as truth.
Yoga Teacher Training Journal: December 18
I made some mistakes last night. I don't really want to talk about what they were, but they involved meeting up with an old friend from college with whom I never get up to any good. Let's just say he's a bad influence, but I love him, and leave it at that.
This time I tried to visualize meeting up and not letting him lead me down the primrose path tofeeling crappy in the morning, especially given how ill I've been recently, etc. But then I let the past repeat itself as it has so many times before.
It's easy to beat yourself up when that sort of thing happens--and believe me, I did. And coming to class feeling the way I did almost seemed like a form of punishment--until I began to reconceive of it as an act of letting go--one more step toward liberating myself from patterns that keep me trapped in old cycles of behavior and old beliefs about myself.
Hot yoga, for me, is about letting go of those things, and about having the courage to see what happens when you do.
I'm still working on it. But each time I go to class, I take another step toward allowing it to happen.
This time I tried to visualize meeting up and not letting him lead me down the primrose path tofeeling crappy in the morning, especially given how ill I've been recently, etc. But then I let the past repeat itself as it has so many times before.
It's easy to beat yourself up when that sort of thing happens--and believe me, I did. And coming to class feeling the way I did almost seemed like a form of punishment--until I began to reconceive of it as an act of letting go--one more step toward liberating myself from patterns that keep me trapped in old cycles of behavior and old beliefs about myself.
Hot yoga, for me, is about letting go of those things, and about having the courage to see what happens when you do.
I'm still working on it. But each time I go to class, I take another step toward allowing it to happen.
Yoga Teacher Training Journal: December 17
Today was a beautiful, juicy, and joyful class. I could feel a pronounced difference in my strength and vitality from yesterday, and that filled me with so much joy and gratitude that I like to think it spilled over my mat and onto all the people around me.
And it was a day on which I surpassed myself and my own limiting expectations of what I could do. The day had not gone that well, and I was feeling run-down, on the brink of relapsing--again. Yet again I had been up until 2 trying to get everything done, and yet again I had to wake up at 6 to keep plugging away.
Yet again my stories were threatening to envelop me like the plastic bag my mentor talks about--all the excuses we find that cover us and suffocate us as we spin the stories that hold us back, that keep us from surpassing ourselves.
I am so happy that I forced myself to say, "Fuck my stories, I'm going to class. I can just lie there, if it comes to that, just as long as I walk through the door."
I walked through the door, fell asleep before class started, and awoke to a glorious practice.
Just goes to show you.
And it was a day on which I surpassed myself and my own limiting expectations of what I could do. The day had not gone that well, and I was feeling run-down, on the brink of relapsing--again. Yet again I had been up until 2 trying to get everything done, and yet again I had to wake up at 6 to keep plugging away.
Yet again my stories were threatening to envelop me like the plastic bag my mentor talks about--all the excuses we find that cover us and suffocate us as we spin the stories that hold us back, that keep us from surpassing ourselves.
I am so happy that I forced myself to say, "Fuck my stories, I'm going to class. I can just lie there, if it comes to that, just as long as I walk through the door."
I walked through the door, fell asleep before class started, and awoke to a glorious practice.
Just goes to show you.
Yoga Teacher Training Journal: December 13
Today's class made me think about the exuberance of health. As in, how wonderful it feels to be healthy (or at least to be on the mend) when you've been sick--seriously ill--for awhile.
This was my first class back after having to take an extended break due to a severe and persistent respiratory disorder. And the fact that I didn't have a fever, and that I wasn't clammy, and that I could breathe through my nose--all of these were, in their own way, causes for celebration.
Sure, I still can't do Pranayama without hacking and wheezing and getting sharp looks from people who are annoyed that a) I'm breaking their concentration and b) potentially getting them sick. But that's okay--each cough means my lungs are getting better, that things are moving around and finding their way out of my body, and that I'm going to be back to normal soon.
This was my first class back after having to take an extended break due to a severe and persistent respiratory disorder. And the fact that I didn't have a fever, and that I wasn't clammy, and that I could breathe through my nose--all of these were, in their own way, causes for celebration.
Sure, I still can't do Pranayama without hacking and wheezing and getting sharp looks from people who are annoyed that a) I'm breaking their concentration and b) potentially getting them sick. But that's okay--each cough means my lungs are getting better, that things are moving around and finding their way out of my body, and that I'm going to be back to normal soon.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Yoga Teacher Training Journal: December 4
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| Showbiz Pizza Time Theater. Yes, it ties in--obliquely. |
Thank goodness for Bikram sometimes, you know? Or all the time, but sometimes, you really feel the gratitude.
Kind of a bad day. Exhausted. Tired of living in two places. Had a kind of hissy fit at work.
And then I got in there. And it all melted away.
Like Calgon, only better.
There was steam coming off my skin! OFF MY SKIN!!!!
Can't wait for a great night's sleep tonight. Which will hopefully arrive soon. Left the studio after 10:30 and am waiting on some videos to upload.
Sleepy time theater over here. (See, told you it tied in.)
Monday, December 3, 2012
Yoga Teacher Training Journal: December 3
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| Mister Mittens is going to vaporize you with his laser-beam focus! |
Whoa, Nellie. A tough, tough class today. Had to sit out a couple of poses, got the major red-face going on (which always tells me I'm not breathing enough), and all in all struggled until the very end.
But the good news is, I'm glad I went. No matter how bad I feel going in to my classes, no matter how hard I have to work to convince myself to go, I always feel 150 times better once class is over. I try to tell myself that on days when my mind is all, "No thanks!" but it doesn't always work, no matter how many times this particular fact has been demonstrated.
I'd really like to know, though, why on certain days I just can't balance for the life of me. Like falling to the side (vs. forward) in Standing Bow or falling out of tree pose? On some days, I'm like laser beam focus lady, and on other days, not so much. What can we learn about what's going on internally on the days that balance is a real struggle?
OH--and one fun fact. Met a girl from my high school class at the Manhattan studio today. What a small world!
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